Always on Edge

1996 liam in seebach 2

It’s easy to blame feeling lost, torn, and confused on one particular part of our lives. Over the years, I could have blamed it on being orphaned, adopted, having a neurotic mother, being bullied at school, being transgender, being rejected by my birth mother, betrayed by my girlfriend, etc. etc. The older I get, however, I realize, at least in my case, feeling on edge seems to be a permanent part of who I am. My mind is always working on scenarios and options. Always trying to make sense of everything inside of me as well as around me. Always trying to understand the deeper motives of everyone, including myself. Observing. Processing. Learning. More often than not, I just get the equivalent of a muscle ache up there in my strained brain and end up feeling totally uprooted, not sure of anything anymore. This photo was taken in 1996, one year before I had gender confirmation surgery to adjust my body to the male soul which had always inhabited it. I felt lost back then, too. And sure of myself at the same time. Crazily enough it seems to always be both. Now, 21 years later, after countless further life challenges I feel happy being me. But still, it doesn’t take much to make me worry, doubt, begin to feel insecure. Even though most days I realize I have found happiness already, many times over. I have found love, I have stretched the limits, and I still have enough fight and adventure left in me to sustain me for a few more rounds in this boxing ring of life. Yet, even with an abundance of profound life experiences, I often feel as if I am still a teenager trying to find his way. I don’t fully understand what it is I am actually looking for. I’m afraid to trust in what I have. I am eager to move on towards new beginnings and, at the same time, I am terrified of them.

2 thoughts on “Always on Edge

  1. solitaire 285

    You are doing good Liam. Certainly I am able to agree with you on those feelings of uncertainty. it is something I too experience. Being acutely self conscious does not help. You are though, an inspiration to many.

    Reply
    1. liamklenk Post author

      Thank you Dawn. Still wish though that it would be as easy to navigate everyday highs and los than it is to do so in hindsight, or to give others good advice. I am a fountain of wisdom when it doesn’t affect me personally, or it’s already some time ago, but anything hitting me right now can upset my balance still so easily. I guess it’s the human condition 🙂 and I tell myself to be patient and kind to myself…

      Reply

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