Tag Archives: #dontbeafraid

What Would an Ocean Be…

2005 free diving in maldives

“What would an ocean be without a monster lurking in the dark? It would be like sleep without dreams.” by Werner Herzog is the quote I chose for the beginning of Paralian.
Because this is life. No matter what our backgrounds.
There is no sleep without dreams. No growth without challenge. No clarity without ambivalence. No happiness without heartache. No light without darkness. And thankfully so. Were life more easy, foreseeable, and bearable, we’d be the poorer for it. It is an intricate balance, monster and all…

Just As You Are


Lots has been said already about a certain orange-faced individual winning the presidency. I was shocked over here in Europe when waking up to the sad news. Terrified really and worried out of my mind for all of us. The only question was what to get worried about first… human rights issues, environmental concerns, international politics…

As a trans man who has lived and traveled all over the world (including the US), I am especially worried about my trans peers. Mainly trans kids, teenagers and all those who are just now thinking of transitioning or are in the middle of it.
There is unfortunately not much I can do for you from afar. I wish I had the resources to drop everything and just come over and be there for all of you in person. Since I can’t though, let me just leave you with this: It might sound like a cliche… but… you are truly not alone!

You don’t need to be ashamed for anything. There is nothing wrong with you. You didn’t choose to be transgender. You were born this way. None of this is your fault. And there is nothing wrong with being trans, either. We exist. We always have. And we always will. The world is the better for it. Diversity is a beautiful thing. Hopefully, one day we’ll be mature enough as a people to hold that thought, cherish it, and live it to our heart’s content.

If you feel threatened and terrified right now, please reach out. Help groups are all over the place. Other trans individuals are everywhere. Also don’t forget, there are many out there who actually do have common sense, decency, and compassion. Many people will accept you just as you are.
Forget about pronouns, passing, politics, and all that stuff for a moment. The only thing that really matters is to know you are beautiful just as you are. You are you and you have every right to be. Love yourself, look after yourself, and seek to find like-minded spirits who will embrace you in your entirety.
Trump or not, there’s always going to be small-minded morons. Thankfully it’s a big planet and you WILL have the privilege to meet many inspiring, amazing human beings.

I am here for you, too. I do have a few thoughts to share based on personal experience and I’m a good listener. I transitioned almost 25 years ago and I’m immensely happy in my own skin. I live my life the way I want, adventurous at times, less adventurous at other times. I will not be limited due to my personal history. I am proud to be trans but I am also not just trans. Like all of us, I am the sum of my experiences. In the end it is all about being human and rising to the occasion.

One more time, because it is so important: please know you’re not alone! As a matter of fact if there is no one in your closer vicinity you feel safe talking to, don’t be shy and PM me anytime. Be safe. Celebrate your individuality. Don’t ever give up no matter how dreary the situation might look just now. There’s always a way.

“On earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it.” Jules Renard

Yes, there are! And we will get through everything!


1971 christmas

“For years, I had puzzled over being the only dark-haired, darker-complexioned person in our family. My emotional make-up and character didn’t quite seem to fit with the rest of my family either. I had kept searching for similarities between my parents and me, as every child does, and had found none. But my mom Hildegard had been very convincing as to our shared blood. She had scared me with stories of how her multitude of hereditary afflictions would manifest themselves in me as I grew older. She had a large goiter on her neck as well as suffering from acute asthma. I had inherited both from her, she insisted, and would suffer as she did eventually. No matter how unpleasant the knowledge, no matter how lost I felt, and whatever life threw at me while growing up, at least I had always been secure in the knowledge of who my family was. It proved to be quite dysfunctional at times, but it was a family. But now, with my dad’s revelation, the truths on which I had based my life shattered into a million pieces.” (Excerpt from Paralian, Chapter 1)

Most of our decisions are based on prior experiences. In the case of my parents, my adoptive mom came from a traumatized post-war family and my adoptive dad tried his best to somehow neutralize her neuroses. This all led to a string of lies that, over the years, became longer than Pinocchio’s nose.

Based on personal experience, I urge all adoptive parents to not underestimate the instincts of their adopted children. When you have been given away early in life and have lost your mom, an instinctual memory manifests itself, a sense of homelessness, a longing for something the child itself can’t even define. On top of this underlying time bomb there is a more conscious awareness of something always being slightly “off”.
As I grew up I remember getting my bearings – or at least trying to – by comparing myself and my actions and emotions to those of the people in my immediate environment. Of course everyone is different but, still, I was puzzled as to how I always seemed to be so different to practically everyone else around me – not only in soul and spirit, but also in appearance.
On really bad days I fantasized about being adopted, seeing it as a good thing. On good days I rationalized how genes skip generations and how maybe there was a dark-haired, temperamental grandpa somewhere whom I’d never met. Surely I had inherited all traits from this mystery person hidden somewhere in the dense forest of our family ancestry.

What always prevailed though, like a menacing shadow following me wherever I turned, was a feeling of deep homelessness and loneliness.

My parents were terrified of telling me the truth, because especially my mom feared I’d run off to my “real” mom as soon as they’d disclose my real identity. I honestly think no adopted child would ever do that. Our “real” parents are the ones that have been taking care of us, have made sacrifices, and have been our safety net over a long period of time. We share a history together. And after some time, history becomes stronger than blood.

When my dad finally revealed the truth I was shocked and uprooted. A myriad of conflicting emotions rocked my entire world for a while, like an earthquake, complete with landslides and falling debris. Still, through it all, and after I came out of it, my adoptive parents remained – and always will be – my parents. I never even call them “adoptive” parents. When I found my biological mom she was a stranger. Blood, in the end, was not enough in and off itself.

Don’t be afraid to tell your kid he or she is adopted. Do it as early as possible. It’ll preempt the hurricane of conflicting emotions that will be sure to rage within once all thought processes properly kick in.

Told at a very late stage – in my case when I was twenty years old – the revelation can have disastrous effects. In truth, I could have easily killed myself. Pure stubborn strength (a strength I didn’t even know I had at the time) prevented me from exciting well before my time. Everything I believed to be the base of my existence vanished in the blink of an eye. All that was left for a while was a deep, dark vortex opening its ugly maw beneath my very feet.

I wish I had been told from the beginning. What a privilege it could’ve been to know I was loved even though I had arrived in my biological mom’s womb. If you think of it, how beautiful to be chosen by a couple because they want YOU and no one else to become the center of their universe.

No one should have to fear…

… for being who they are.

gay pride

So much hate still out there. My heart is heavy thinking of the Orlando shooting victims. But you know what? Killing won’t help those who hate because they are too afraid to open their minds and understand.
Because human diversity is as old as the world. Being straight, gay, lesbian, trans, or any shade in between is as natural as the sun, the oceans, the wind, and the stars. These energizing, life-giving elements of our beautiful blue planet will all be around until the end of time. And so will we.